Today, after almost a month of being blue, I decide to stand and push myself off the wall. I look up from the deep hole I dug and hid myself into, and see that the sky emits some light after all. It is cloudy, yes, but there is light.
I know I am not completely out of the woods yet. There is a heaviness on my shoulders. I feel like that guy in the Thai movie “Shutter”. At the end of the film, he is revealed to be carrying on his shoulders the ghost of a girl he had photographed while she was being raped. I don’t think I am that twisted yet to think that I am lugging around a ghost. But my back feels so tight it is almost painful. I know this to be a physical sign of the turmoil in my mind. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, so I decide right now to shake off the ghosts lingering in my head.
I cannot offer an explanation for their existence. My only excuse is that I allowed them to slip into my mind and get the better of me. There they have festered, whispering malicious things, such as how I couldn’t do anything right, how other people could do a better job than me, how I would amount to nothing in this life. And silly me gave the silly things permission to dwell until I have almost lost myself.
I got used to them. It’s been difficult to breach the house of gloom they have framed around me. It still is.
But tonight, I say this dark patch in my life has to come to an end. Tonight, I choose to climb out of the hole. I want to make peace with my thoughts and go back to my old self.
Tonight, I decide. Tomorrow, I start the journey back.